The Heart of Severus Snape
by cynthia.r
Summary: Snape's unflinching love for Lily Evans
1. Snape's plea

Before the wedding

"Lily"

" Severus", her chin jutted out coldly.

He wringed his hands nervously. "Thanks for seeing me."

"What do you want?" she asked sharply.

Snape flapped forward awkwardly. "Lily…I…" he felt his heart drop as Lily stepped out of the shadows and under the light. Sheathed in a simple white wedding gown, she took his breath away. The simplicity of the dress bought out her striking features. A pearl tiara twinkled from the top of her flaming hair. Any wizard standing in his place right now would have no trouble believing that Lily Evans was part Veela.

Shaking his head, Snape regained his composure and hesitantly met her eyes.

It was then that he knew he'd lost her forever.

Lily's green eyes pierced him to the very core of his being. Gone was the friendly twinkle in her eyes, taking along the love and friendship she once held for him. Instead, he could now read contempt and hatred etched all across her face. Snape's heart turned to stone, and yet, he had to blink furiously to stop the tears from flowing. He would not cry in front of Lily Evans. He had belittled himself too much over the years.

"What do you want, Severus?" she asked again. "You…a Death Eater bursts here on my wedding day, when you know full well that everyone from the Order is here. This must be something important. I agreed to see you. So speak up." She crossed her gloved arms obstinately across her chest. Despite himself, Snape felt his heart melt at the sight of this familiar gesture. He took two hesitant steps towards her and paused. She didn't move. His fingers trembling slightly, Snape touched her cheek with the back of his hand. He closed his eyes. How good it was to be so close to her again. Just like old times.

She slapped his hand away, furious. "How dare you," she hissed. "Don't you ever touch me again you…you murderer! How many people have you killed with this very hand?"

Snape stepped backwards. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I don't know what came over me."

Lily glared at him. "Are you going to tell me why you're here?"

Snape wrung his hands under his coat. He looked at the ground and then at the face that had haunted his dreams for as long as he could remember.

"I love you," Snape blurted. "I've loved you since we were kids. Even before, when I thought you were only a Muggle. I…you were the best thing that every happened to me Lily. You changed me, you changed my world. I know I hurt you and I don't have any excuses for that. I just…I just want a second chance," he whispered.

Lily stared at him, stunned. Snape was breathing heavily, trying to regain his mind. Her green eyes peered at him from under their lashes, doleful. "Why are you here?" she whispered.

"I want you to leave Potter and come with me," his voice rung out cold and clear in the room.

Lily's fury returned. "You _want_ me to leave James?" she laughed bitterly. "Oh, you haven't changed at all, have you Severus? You still believe that you have the right to boss the world around. Well guess what? That's what your friend You-Know-Who does too. So maybe you should go back to him!"

"I'll leave him!" Snape cried desperately. "I'll stop everything. Lily, just…just come back to me, please. Please. Just leave that arrogant bully and come with me. Let me make it up to you. Let me make you happy."

Lily stared at him. "You'd do that?" she asked quietly. "You'd leave _him _and the Death Eaters?"

"I would do anything for you."

Lily closed her eyes. She turned away from him and walked towards the window. The night air was crisp and clear. She took in a deep breath before turning to face him again.

"I used to love you, too Sev," she said quietly. "I've loved you more than you could possibly know. And when you called me…Mudblood_"

Snape flinched. "Don't" he muttered.

Lily smiled sadly and continued. "When you called me…_that_, my world came crushing down. Remember how you kept calling for me outside the dormitory? Well, the real reason why I didn't want to see you at first was that I was crying. I was hurt, Sev. You hurt me," she said softly. He opened his mouth to speak but she held her hand up to silence him. "It took me years to get over you. I started dating James just to scorn you. I knew how much that would irritate you. But this childish attempt at revenge turned into something else. Despite myself, I started to fall for James. And when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. Without any doubt."

"What are you saying?" Snape whispered hoarsely.

Lily look at him. "I'm saying that I'll marry James, Sev. I'm sorry."

And then, she took his shivering hand in hers and pressed it one last time. "Part of me will always love you, Severus Snape," she whispered.

Before he could answer, she took her hand away, and with one last glace across hier shoulder, she was gone.

Snape stood alone in the cold room. He'd failed. Again. Truth be told, he was expecting the pain, he'd even prepared himself for it. But there has been one tiny, fleeting moment of hope, a small beacon of light in his dark existence. And that had been the hope that Lily would one day come back to him. That was what had sustained him through the years.

And now she was gone.

Unable to remain in the room any longer, he awkwardly shuffled out and froze. The ceremony had already started downstairs.

He had to get out of this place. Now. But he found himself being drawn to the stairs where he stood, silent and motionless, watching her get married. From the banister, he saw her standing next to James, looking radiant and peaceful. She looked so happy.

And…him. _Potter_. Snape clenched his fists. Hatred swelled in his entire being, clashing furiously against all the pain and love that he held for Lily. It was all so unfair. His whole adolescence had been ruined by Potter and his bullying. And now she was snatching away the woman he loved. The only one he ever loved. His Lily.

He could no longer stand it. As much as he would have loved to interrupt the wedding, he couldn't get down the stairs in front of the members of the Order of the Phoenix. So, he turned on his heels and went back to the room where he could exit from the secret door.

But as he entered the room, he noticed something on the table. Lily's forgotten bridal bouquet. Snape walked slowly towards the extravagant bunch of lilies and stared down at it.

"I do." He heard her voice ring out clearly from downstairs.

Lily no longer belonged to him.

A lone tear slipped down his crooked nose. He touched the flower, running his fingers across the petals. The tear splashed softly upon the flower. Very gently, Snape plucked one of the lilies from the bouquet and slipped it inside his robe, next to his heart, where it would stay forever. Where Lily would dwell until his very last breath.

Suddenly, something burned across his arm. He gingerly slid his sleeve up and looked at the dark mark. It burned pitch black. The Dark Lord wanted him. They had something dangerous planned for tonight.

Snape wiped away the stray tear and went towards the secret exit. In the split of a moment, he had made his decision. He would not turn his back on the Dark Lord. He would constantly remain by his master's side. With any luck, he would get killed one day.

And maybe the pain would finally end.


	2. A Broken Man

Broken 

_A few years later, Snape learns of Lily's death…_

He ran across the Forbidden Forest. Somber looking creatures howled as he passed, some tried to lash out at him. He seemed to be around the Centaurs' den, where no sane human ever ventured. But he was beyond caring. Dry leaves crackled angrily under his steps. Snarling bursts of wind whipped at his face, but provided no relief to the scarlet, burning pain that had exploded in him.

Snape felt the sharp twigs scratch his face as he pounded the grounds in a weak attempt to stop himself from thinking. Prevent himself from remembering.

He'd killed her. It was his fault. It was his own _blasted_ fault, he realized furiously, sending sparks shooting out of his wand, where they set some dry twigs on fire. With a savage, almost animal grunt, Snape shot his wand wildly around, setting trees and bushes to fire. The air was thick and tepid with smoke, the blazes nothing to what was in his heart. He was beyond control. He could hear the protesting hisses of the centaurs behind him but they did not venture upon the burning ground. Soon, he staggered to the ground, exhausted and panting amidst the dangerously crackling flames.

Snape breathed heavily through his nose and inhaled a lungful of smoke. When he'd revealed the whereabouts of the Potters to Voldermort, he had foolishly believed that his master would humor him and spare Lily's life. He gritted his teeth as he remembered the words.

_But surely, S__everus, there are other women who are worthy of you. Pure bloods. Women of noble stock. _

At the malicious light in Voldermort's eyes, Snape had thrown caution to the wind and literally begged his master for Lily's life. The Dark Lord had finally relented with an irksome wave of his wand. Severus had severely paid the price for his request, he still had the marks where he'd been tortured…but it was with a smile that he'd gone to bed. Lily would be free of Potter.

But Voldermort had gone, as he should have foretold, according to his well-calculated plans.

It was now that the realized the enormity of his cowardice. He had been willing to let the husband and her child get slaughtered just so he could have Lily to himself once again. It was a desperate, lowly decision, which he now realized, would not have made Lily happy. She would have been devastated. He should have let her go. She wouldn't have been happy with him. Lily had always been right. He was a murderer. And now she was dead. Because of him.

If he could, he would do it all over again, even if it meant that he would have to be heartbroken while Lily grew old with Potter. At least she would have been happy. And Alive.

"Please," he whispered brokenly among the flames. "Please come back. You don't even have to talk to me. Stay with James. Just…please…be alive…"

As his heart burst out with his plea, he saw something galloping serenely through the flames.

The fire flickered and parted. Through his crazed eyes, Snape saw something silvery white leap fluidly among the flames.

A slender doe stood in front of him, bathing him in a translucent haze. Snape stared at the doe in wonderment, not daring to move from his position on the ground. The doe's almond shaped eyes blinked peacefully at him. They were the same shape as Lily's.

Slowly, the doe advanced towards Snape and curled on the ground beside him. She laid her neck on his chest. At once, Snape felt the burning sensation in his heart melt away. His pants faded. His eyes came into clear focus.

The surge of comfort was tremendous.

He looked at the doe in silence and she lifted her head to stare back at him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly.

Slowly, she placed her neck on his chest again, her head molded in the hollow of his neck. Snape didn't move. He closed his eyes, almost feeling Lily's touch, almost smelling her perfume, almost seeing the swish of her long red hair. And in the middle of his pain and guilt, he smiled as he remembered their happy adventures at Hogwarts. The first time he saw her. The countless times he'd tried to ask her out and then lost his nerve.

Slowly, soothingly, the happy memories replaced his torment and bathed him in a temporary blanket of peace.

And then the doe lifted her head. She uncurled her body and stood up. Snape was barely aware of the crackling of the fire which had spread dangerously close to him. He scrambled to his feet. His eyes were fixed on the retreating figure of the doe. He watched her slip away, the flames closing in on him. It was now that he the fire, burning, licking at his very spirit.

The doe turned around in one swift, graceful movement and blew lightly in the clearing. A light warm breeze spread around Snape in a circle and one by one, the flames flickered out.

"Don't go," he whispered to her.

She regarded him a long moment, inclined her head and was gone.

Snape stood alone in the clearing. The fire had left stray strands of smoke everywhere, bathing the grounds in an almost mystical glow. He closed his eyes briefly. His encounter with the doe had cleared his head.

He held his wand up in front of him. "Lumos"

Hardening his resolve, Snape started trudging towards the castle. He had to see Dumbledore.

Just as he was about to pass through the oak doors, he absent-mindedly realized that he had not shed a single tear upon hearing Lily's death.

And Snape knew he would never cry again.

_(Will update soon- Reviews most welcome ;p )_


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